It takes two to tango
When it comes to dealing with what we may perceive as difficult people, the temptation can often be to focus on how we can fix them. Perhaps in our eyes they are solely responsible for the challenges we’re facing and we think if we can change them we can fix the problem. The reality is usually very different. As they say, ‘It takes two to tango.’ If you’re experiencing difficulties in any kind of relationship, the blame or problem is not solely with one party. I’m not suggesting there is equal responsibility but we delude ourselves if we believe we are the completely innocent party – the problems are not with ‘them’ – they’re with ‘us’. Recognise this reality and you’re more likely to improve your relationships.

The personal stuff
I can relate to the saying ‘we see in others the faults most prevalent in ourselves’. Untidiness and collecting clutter seem to be talents I was born with. The phrase ‘a place for everything and everything in its place’ is a total anathema to me and yet I detest clutter and untidiness with a passion. I work hard at overcoming my own weakness in this area and over the years have achieved some minor victories – but it remains an ongoing battle. It’s a trait within my personality that I struggle with. Interestingly, the ‘untidiness and collecting clutter gene’ is also prevalent in my wife, Helen, and daughter, Ruth. But unlike me they seem reasonably comfortable living life with it. Their tolerance to domestic chaos (as I perceive it) is far higher than my own. What I dislike within myself I also see so clearly within Helen and Ruth. It’s been a source of stress to me which has lead to some fall-outs – I’ve not always responded appropriately. I guess the frustrations I have with myself in this area are then projected onto two people who are very close and very special to me. Bizarre, isn’t it? But can you identify with my behaviour?

The work stuff
I was asked recently to spend some time coaching a newly promoted manager who was struggling to interact constructively with her team. Susan’s emails were abrupt and considered aggressive by those receiving them. She struggled to maintain eye contact when talking to you. It never occurred to Susan to engage with people at a social level. She even felt that asking someone ‘How was your weekend?’ was intrusive. If a member of staff was performing poorly, her approach was either to ignore the problem or to confront the person publicly in the full view of other colleagues. She confessed, ‘I don’t really like people much’, and yet her knowledge of the job (which involved analysing and interpreting data) was exceptional. Although I was happy to provide some ideas and strategies to help Susan, I felt this was a clear example of ‘Reality Rules’. Susan was simply not ‘wired’ to engage with people at a level that others would consider normal. Could she improve? Yes. Would it be worth all the time and effort to do so? Probably not. Susan was brilliant with figures but awful with people. I advised her manager to create a new role for Susan that didn’t involve her having to manage people. She flourished in her new role as Technical Consultant and her team responded brilliantly to her replacement – a manager with less technical expertise, but with high levels of emotional intelligence.

Experience counts
Even though I believe I have some natural skills when dealing with people, a lack of experience and the innocence of youth brings with it its own realities, as the following illustrates:
It was my big day. Finally I got to manage a team – thirty women who were working on the beef burger line in a frozen food factory. I’d spent four years at university. My degree involved studying psychology.
I’d trained to be a probation officer and dealt with a number of young offenders – I was qualified and I was prepared. Managing thirty women would, I thought, be quite straightforward. I was 24
years old, had just completed my two-week induction programme and I was ready. This would be easy. I was wrong, very wrong. During my first week they convinced me that in order to leave work on time they’d have to finish five minutes early to collect their coats from the cloakroom – which was a five minute walk from the production line. My first experience managing a team was not a stunning success. The reality was, my academic background had not prepared me in the way I had hoped – qualifications were not the same as wisdom, common sense and experience. After a week, I felt ready to quit. I was in at the deep end and I was struggling to stay afloat. I needed help. I learnt you cannot cram twenty years of experience into a two-week training programme. Reality rules.

SUMO pit stop
• Think about two key people in your work life and two in your personal life with whom you’d like to improve your relationship. Are your expectations of these people realistic?

• Reflect on the reality of ‘It takes two to tango.’ In what ways may your behaviour be contributing to some of your relationship challenges? Which realities about yourself do you need to be aware of?

Your SUMO takeaway
The context of our relationship challenges is that reality rules – people are the most complex creatures on the planet. Emotions will at times overrule logic, our past does influence our present and conflict is, at times, inevitable. Further realities we have to accept if we’re to avoid strangling people are:

• Some people lack common sense regarding relationships.
• People can be blissfully unaware of their impact on others.
• We see faults in others that we dislike within ourselves.
• It takes two to tango – relationship challenges are not down
  to one single person, we need to honestly examine our own     
  contribution to the situation.
• Managing thirty women on the economy beef burger line is not easy.